Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do

I’ve never been very fond of the words “jealousy” or “envy.” 

I‘ve always felt like they are self-centered words to describe experiences when people are behaving negatively towards you. It places you at the center of their world, almost as a centerpiece to their experience. 

I believe one of the greatest ways society fails us is by not teaching emotional regulation. While we have been normalizing mental health, to me at least, it seems to be in a performative manner. Full of face masks, pedicures, and massages, instead of the deep emotional and mental work that goes into truly building a relationship with yourself and understanding who you are. 

In eighth grade, I noticed something about myself. I placed all of my worth and emotions into my academic capabilities, so much so that bad grades could ruin my whole day. I walked on eggshells because of how my parents would respond.  I was an “A” student. I could make anything less, or it would be assumed that I was “distracted” or had other things at the forefront of my mind. I realized early that my worth to others was valued at my academic output rather than in the joy of learning and accepting that you won’t be great at everything. That realization was when I really realized how important my relationship with myself was. I picked up on small things about myself and others. Even when they sought to insult me, it always tied back to my intelligence and how smart they perceived me to be. After some journaling, I realized that I needed to disconnect from it. While I stayed a high performing student, I didn’t make it my whole identity. I found ways to describe myself outside of what I could provide in a classroom. 

I’m saying all of this to say, we aren’t taught how to do this. To begin these conversations within ourselves. Either you are blessed enough to be born into a home where you are taught this, or by the grace of God, you eventually learn how important your source of self-regard is. 

This ties back to instances where the words “jealousy” and “envy” are used because, rather than viewing life as a culmination of our experiences, we view everything we possess in the moment or have possessed as extensions of ourselves. We don’t view them as things that were blessed to receive or inherit. We view them as connecting pieces to our identity. 

The problem with this is that when other people are interacting with you, and, sometimes consciously or unconsciously, projecting the contents of their self-regard onto you, you are more than likely to perceive it as a slight at you. Sometimes people are sorting through how your presence makes them feel, and when it makes them uncomfortable with themselves as a signal to reflect within, they tend to project outwards instead. This is because we aren’t taught true reflection or emotional regulation. In turn, this pours into our relationships and how we navigate with each other. 

I can’t remember how many situations I’ve been in where I’ve either been the offended or the offender. But I am learning to view it as a chance to reflect on my humanity within myself, rather than a chance to center myself. I refuse to make myself the center of anyone’s experience rather than my own. While this doesn’t make anyone’s actions better, it makes the line from Lauryn Hill, “Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do,” mean a lot more to me than it once did.